Thursday, June 7, 2007

Fishy Thoughts

The most random thoughts are racing through the addled cloud of mystery that is my brain at the moment.  I remember feeling like a complete idiot pretty much throughout both pregnancies, and the postpartum months weren't much better.  But Nolie's almost a year old now (?!?) and I still feel like I barely can track what's going on around me.

Like the other night, at a friend's party, Nancy was trying to tell me about this class she was going to take at unchurch, and she had to explain it to me six times before I understood.  Part of this is that I'm often a shitty, shitty listener.  But part is also that things people say are going in my ears, swimming like little fish into the swampy recesses of my brain, where they get stuck in the oxygen-depleted environment and drown. 

But here is what I can muster.  First, when Addie and I were playing "chase me" tonight, she kept saying, "On your market, get set, go."  Which I like.  I think I could make that a t-shirt and sell it to Safeway.  Or to stock traders.  It's very hip and now.  On your market.

Also, this morning while I was getting Addie ready for school, Nolie was making beelines around the living room, trying out her new crawling skills (I wish I had video of this peg-leg, whirling dervish maneuvering.  It's fascinating to watch.  I'll try to get Eric to upload to Youtube).  She made it all the way from the play room over the sliding doors by the patio, and then she stopped and just stared.  She stayed for whole minutes, motionless, in front of that window, just looking at the world outside.  What sort of processing was going on in that head, I wonder?  I wish I could know.

Under the heading "Universe, Hear My Cry!" I wrote this in my journal, back in early April:  "I see myself in a tenure-track job.  I see this process happening painlessly and joyfully."

I wrote this, because at that point the process felt anything but painless and joyful.  It felt agonizing and stressful, and full of the potential for failure.  I was unsure I'd be able to find a position that worked for me and the family, and didn't like the idea that avenues were potentially closed to me because of circumstances out of my control.  I worried and worried over this until I couldn't do it anymore, and decided I needed to release it.  So I wrote my little affirmation here, blew it a kiss, and then left it alone.

And now, I shall brag, and gloat some, and also offer up my gratitude to said universe.  I had a phone interview with Stanford Tuesday, which went really well, and now it looks as if Mines is ready to offer me a tenure-track line.  I am so grateful for both opportunities, and look forward to facing the decision about where to head next both painlessly and joyfully.

I have had a headache for the past three days because I'm not letting myself drink more than two cups of coffee a day.  I knew I had been drinking a lot of coffee last semester to survive, but I had no idea how dependent I had become.  Geez.

Finally, I think reality t.v. is sucking my soul out through my eyeballs.  Can it do that?

Anyway.  That's what's happening in my world. 

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