Thursday, July 31, 2008

Panic at the Library!

Do you know what's the worst?

When your husband has to work late and so you decide to go and do something fun with the kids, and so you decide to take them to the library, and it turns out to be a total fiasco?  It even starts out bad with them whining they don't want to go one minute and then the next minute they do?  But then they get in the car and because it was 100 degrees today the seatbelts are like molten hot metal and so they start screaming "It's hooooooooooooooooooooooooot!" and "Mommy!  Turn on the air conditioning NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"  And you want to say something stupid like, "How do you think kids in the Sudan feel, you little brats?" but you don't, you just bite your tongue and get in the car and get going?

And then you get to the library and see a friend in the lobby and stop to say hi and meanwhile your two kids have shot like darts into the library and are running and screaming around like frat boys at a Girls Gone Wild convention, and you haven't been there two minutes and already the librarian is giving you that look like, "What the fuck, lady?  Can't you control your kids?  Some people" and you're carrying three large bags with all the books you have to return and trying to get your kids to help you put them in the slot and then all of a sudden your toddler has to pee?

So you haul all the books and the two knock-kneed, tripping kids into the bathroom and the toddler starts screaming, "NOPOTTYNOPOTTYNOPOTTY" like you're beating her about the head with a trash can lid and then your preschooler, always curious, turns on the electric hand dryer and your toddler absolutely wigs out because in the past three weeks she has developed an obsessive fear of fans and that is most definitely a fan?

Then you finally get all the kids and all the books out of the bathroom and get the old books returned and go to get new ones and your preschooler knocks over some little kid because she wants the Ruby doll she's playing with and your toddler owns nothing even remotely close to an inside voice and the librarian is looking at you again like "You and your kids are what's wrong with this country, lady, ever heard of a little thing called discipline?" and you are like shrugging your shoulders and grinning sheepishly instead of whispering to her to fuck off, which is what you'd really like to say?

And then because of budget cuts and our society's love affair with the mechanized (fuck you, too, Taylor, and up your ass, Ford), the librarians don't actually check books out for you anymore you have to do it yourself and the machine is malfunctioning and won't read board books and your toddler has wandered behind the circulation desk and your preschooler is making snow angels on the carpet (which I guess would be carpet angels) and some guy is yelling loudly that he wants a new library card but can't make himselaf heard over the din of your ill-behaved children?

And all three of you leave crying? 

That's the worst.

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