Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The King of All Bad Ideas

Well, in the history of bad ideas, my idea of going to Idaho last weekend ranks up there.  Waaaay up there.

It seems that simply the mere specter of my arrival in Idaho triggered mom into manic behavior for the past few weeks, behavior I think I had picked up on over the phone but which wasn't completely clear to me until I arrived.  In fact, dad and my brother had been telling me she was doing better.  And, in some respects, she has been doing better.  Very active, engaged in projects around the house, lost a bunch of weight, even being pleasant at times.

But then I entered the picture, and for a number of reasons that are really hard to explain, she reacted strongly to me, and in a bad way, and I ended up coming back to Denver early after some very nasty scenes at the house that I won't detail here because they're terrifying and shameful and pitiful and sad for everyone in my family.

I guess the gist is that I don't think she ever really got better since August.  I think she was able to maintain enough to resume a normal-looking life, and is incredibly skilled at acting her way through certain situations (especially in doctors' offices), but on the whole I don't think she's well.  Maybe not even remotely well.

And the fact that I seem to make her worse does not bode well for our relationship.  It doesn't bode well for my kids' relationship with their grandparents.  And I can't even begin to think about what this means for my dad, who is dealing with a pretty serious diagnosis of cancer, which he is entering into with lots of optimism and fight but which is made a lot tougher by the other fight, the one with/by/for my mom.

I'm pretty much in a daze, having crazy flashbacks of the surreal and violent moments of the weekend, having trouble concentrating, wondering what the hell happened, what will happen.  It's so overwhelming.  I feel guilty, sad, angry, you name it.  I'm having trouble accessing compassion, wisdom, and perspective, and I feel like I desperately need all three right now.  But maybe I'm just not ready.

3 comments:

  1. Dear Jen,
    My heart tears to hear of your struggles and resistances with your mom. I wish I could offer wisdom and perspective but I know you have both inside you. Be pissed, upset, enraged but also love her, and most importantly, forgive her. Damn, wouldn't family peace be wonderful.

    Love you,
    Chloe/Gammy

    P.S. Reilly is also cynical, sneery, and downright not fun to be with at times. He stayed with us for 3 nights/four days and I was drained. It IS WONDERFUL to be retired and free from the responsibilities and "on-ness" of raising children. Your turn will come soon enough.

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  2. Dear Jen,
    My heart tears to hear of your struggles and resistances with your mom. I wish I could offer wisdom and perspective but I know you have both inside you. Be pissed, upset, enraged but also love her, and most importantly, forgive her. Damn, wouldn't family peace be wonderful.

    Love you,
    Chloe/Gammy

    P.S. Reilly is also cynical, sneery, and downright not fun to be with at times. He stayed with us for 3 nights/four days and I was drained. It IS WONDERFUL to be retired and free from the responsibilities and "on-ness" of raising children. Your turn will come soon enough.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, the sucky mcsuckness. But at least we had that hysterical phonecall. I've been thinking of you tons.

    Perhaps a joint visit to unchurch on Sunday? maybe the 10:00?

    love you.

    n

    ReplyDelete