A colleague and friend just popped in my office door, cheerful and kind, asking how I was. I opened my mouth and found myself spewing a fountain of ridiculous complaints.
Stop the record.
I'm sitting here a half-hour later, wondering why in the world I did that. I'm surrounded by extraordinary blessings and moments of grace every five seconds, in my job and otherwise, and when I open my mouth out comes the stream of self-involved, over-processed bullshit. I'm happy, for chrissakes! I'm having a great day! Why did I bitch and moan? I just manufactured a whole bunch of drama out of nothing. What is that about?
True, things have been tough at work lately, especially before spring break. I had a little meltdown, I think, caused by not taking enough care of myself, working too much, and making dumb choices divorced from what I really wanted. But a big chunk of that unhappiness, I realized today, has been manufactured by me being on bullshit-spewing autopilot rather than reacting to the present that happens to be around me.
So, how am I doing today?
Fantastic. I had a great interview with the editor of my favorite magazine in the world, an interview I'll be able to use in a research paper I'm getting to work on. I'm sitting in my cozy little office with a cup of my favorite tea doing research I'm really excited about--research about global warming, and the role of action and hope. I was in a great class this morning. The sun is shining. It's the first day of spring. I get to go home tonight to my incredible family who, when I walk in the door, scream "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA" as loud as they can, and practically fall down weeping to see me, like I was Elvis or something. We're having new friends over for dinner--friends with kids! I get to crawl into bed tonight with my incredibly sexy husband. There's a candidate running for office who makes me weepy every time he opens his mouth. Many parts of the world (our own included) seem to be going to hell in a handbasket, and still there is beauty and grace everywhere.
I'm good. To quote Ice Cube, Today was a good day.... And that's the truth, Ruth.
Stop the record.
I'm sitting here a half-hour later, wondering why in the world I did that. I'm surrounded by extraordinary blessings and moments of grace every five seconds, in my job and otherwise, and when I open my mouth out comes the stream of self-involved, over-processed bullshit. I'm happy, for chrissakes! I'm having a great day! Why did I bitch and moan? I just manufactured a whole bunch of drama out of nothing. What is that about?
True, things have been tough at work lately, especially before spring break. I had a little meltdown, I think, caused by not taking enough care of myself, working too much, and making dumb choices divorced from what I really wanted. But a big chunk of that unhappiness, I realized today, has been manufactured by me being on bullshit-spewing autopilot rather than reacting to the present that happens to be around me.
So, how am I doing today?
Fantastic. I had a great interview with the editor of my favorite magazine in the world, an interview I'll be able to use in a research paper I'm getting to work on. I'm sitting in my cozy little office with a cup of my favorite tea doing research I'm really excited about--research about global warming, and the role of action and hope. I was in a great class this morning. The sun is shining. It's the first day of spring. I get to go home tonight to my incredible family who, when I walk in the door, scream "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA" as loud as they can, and practically fall down weeping to see me, like I was Elvis or something. We're having new friends over for dinner--friends with kids! I get to crawl into bed tonight with my incredibly sexy husband. There's a candidate running for office who makes me weepy every time he opens his mouth. Many parts of the world (our own included) seem to be going to hell in a handbasket, and still there is beauty and grace everywhere.
I'm good. To quote Ice Cube, Today was a good day.... And that's the truth, Ruth.
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