Thursday, April 30, 2009
Triggering Six
Eric's been getting lots of good feedback lately. He has a contact at a local lab who gave him positive encouragement about his skill set, for example, and told him to keep applying there for work, which is great. Eric's soon-to-be-former employer has been arranging resume workshops and opportunities for laid-off employees (euphemistically referred to as "at risk") to meet with hiring managers from the huge company's subsidiaries all over the country. One of those subsidiaries, in Seattle, drooled all over him at the meeting yesterday. E also has a former colleague and friend who lives in Florida. He can have a job there anytime, the friend says.
I think I'm hanging in with all of these big changes pretty well at the moment, but the idea of moving, or worse, of Eric having to commute to another state, away from us, tears me to pieces. I'm so proud of him, on the one hand: he's skilled, accomplished, and well-respected. He deserves to have a good job he enjoys and that pays him well. On the other hand, I'd rather he scrub toilets at the Flying J (a job I once had, believe it or not) than tear our family up in a commuting arrangement. I know other people do it, but I sure don't want to be one of them, if I can help it.
I'm only slightly more ambivalent about moving. It has taken years for us to develop our friendships here, and they're the strongest I've ever had. I love Colorado. I love our house. And, most of the time, I enjoy my work, and feel at home here. The academic job market is worse than sour, and relocating will be difficult. I know, if it comes down to it, I'll find the silver lining and eventually get excited about starting over with a new adventure. But right now I've got my heels dug in and don't want to go anywhere.
So, I spent hours on big, uncontrollable sobs last night that probably had a lot to do with a bunch of things (including the impending monthly visit of my lady friend), and maybe had a lot to do with my position on the Enneagram, according to my friend Ellen:
Apparently, I'm a 6, a "loyalist," and our main motivation in life is to avoid, evade, or escape abandonment (at our best we are centered, loyal, productive friends). Perhaps the thought of Eric leaving is triggering that?
Or maybe it would just suck donkeys, and I know it.
I think I'm hanging in with all of these big changes pretty well at the moment, but the idea of moving, or worse, of Eric having to commute to another state, away from us, tears me to pieces. I'm so proud of him, on the one hand: he's skilled, accomplished, and well-respected. He deserves to have a good job he enjoys and that pays him well. On the other hand, I'd rather he scrub toilets at the Flying J (a job I once had, believe it or not) than tear our family up in a commuting arrangement. I know other people do it, but I sure don't want to be one of them, if I can help it.
I'm only slightly more ambivalent about moving. It has taken years for us to develop our friendships here, and they're the strongest I've ever had. I love Colorado. I love our house. And, most of the time, I enjoy my work, and feel at home here. The academic job market is worse than sour, and relocating will be difficult. I know, if it comes down to it, I'll find the silver lining and eventually get excited about starting over with a new adventure. But right now I've got my heels dug in and don't want to go anywhere.
So, I spent hours on big, uncontrollable sobs last night that probably had a lot to do with a bunch of things (including the impending monthly visit of my lady friend), and maybe had a lot to do with my position on the Enneagram, according to my friend Ellen:
Apparently, I'm a 6, a "loyalist," and our main motivation in life is to avoid, evade, or escape abandonment (at our best we are centered, loyal, productive friends). Perhaps the thought of Eric leaving is triggering that?
Or maybe it would just suck donkeys, and I know it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Award Update
The guy who DID win has been teaching at the school since the year I was born (or so), and has a list of accomplishments a mile long.
I did NOT win, unfortunately, but am not too upset, now that it's all done with. The anxiety was much worse than the result, and the competition, I see now, was stiff. In fact, I'm not sure how I even got nominated. I was so worried that not winning would be seen as some sort of statement about my choice of calling, or my abilities, or something. Lesson: I was only one of three people in the room who knew I got nominated, and so I'm the one who was making statements. In my head.
Love when I get myself all fired up.
I did NOT win, unfortunately, but am not too upset, now that it's all done with. The anxiety was much worse than the result, and the competition, I see now, was stiff. In fact, I'm not sure how I even got nominated. I was so worried that not winning would be seen as some sort of statement about my choice of calling, or my abilities, or something. Lesson: I was only one of three people in the room who knew I got nominated, and so I'm the one who was making statements. In my head.
Love when I get myself all fired up.
Weighty Waiting
I am insufferable right now. InSUFFERable. And I know it. You poor things, all six of you readers, all of a sudden reading a flurry of posts right now because now, the last few days, I have entered a manic crafting-writing-creating phase. I've made a new skirt, a shirt, crocheted a bowl (from pillow case scraps), made a dragonfly necklace, and some other crap I've probably forgotten about. All from stuff in my overflowing craft closet. And then I redesigned the blog and am posting and have actually been on Facebook recently and drawing with Addie and that stuff.
I love all this, I do, and I get a lot of pleasure from it. But I'm a little, no A LOT, obsessed with it right now, I can feel it (I felt this way in December, too, at the end of the last semester).
It's not that I'm entering a period of not knowing what to do with myself. I have plenty to do this summer (and please don't ask me what I do with my "summers off" the way everyone else does. Puh-lease). My dance-card is fuh-uh-uh-ull. Same with fall.
I don't think it's our current state of economic uncertainty ("our" meaning our family). Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I feel okay about that.
It's that I feel like I'm waiting for something. For an important email. Magically appearing money. High honors. I'm clicking send/receive on my email button every five minutes. Racing to the mailbox. Checking my phone. I'm up for that teaching award--which has a nice cash prize--today. It's freaking me out (the mental machinations of THAT are for another post). But I don't know. It's a weird sort of anxiety, and not even laying down on my office floor and breathing big breaths is making it go away. Maybe I need to just go into it or something.
My meditations lately have been centered around the themes "pride," "humility," and "shame."
You make the connections. I can't bear to.
I love all this, I do, and I get a lot of pleasure from it. But I'm a little, no A LOT, obsessed with it right now, I can feel it (I felt this way in December, too, at the end of the last semester).
It's not that I'm entering a period of not knowing what to do with myself. I have plenty to do this summer (and please don't ask me what I do with my "summers off" the way everyone else does. Puh-lease). My dance-card is fuh-uh-uh-ull. Same with fall.
I don't think it's our current state of economic uncertainty ("our" meaning our family). Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I feel okay about that.
It's that I feel like I'm waiting for something. For an important email. Magically appearing money. High honors. I'm clicking send/receive on my email button every five minutes. Racing to the mailbox. Checking my phone. I'm up for that teaching award--which has a nice cash prize--today. It's freaking me out (the mental machinations of THAT are for another post). But I don't know. It's a weird sort of anxiety, and not even laying down on my office floor and breathing big breaths is making it go away. Maybe I need to just go into it or something.
My meditations lately have been centered around the themes "pride," "humility," and "shame."
You make the connections. I can't bear to.
This little piggy...
Addie and I have been reading a chapter of Charlotte's Web every night. For those of you who haven't been in fourth grade for a while, that's the book about the little girl Fern who raises a baby pig, Wilbur. Wilbur ends up befriending a spider, Charlotte, who saves Wilbur from the slaughter by weaving descriptions of Wilbur into her web ("some pig"; "terrific"; and "humble"). It's a nice book. A book that's not too dark or scary but that deals with the fact of death. The whole circle of life thing. You know.
Anyway, a colleague at another university has been posting about the swine flu, and wondering about the impact of large-scale farming on the spread of animal-to-human diseases. He posted this video on his blog today:
I try not to be one of those bloggers, posting every YouTube thing out there. But this is pretty much horrible. Next time I feel like being a bad vegetarian and having just a little bite of bacon, I'll try to remember this. And think of Wilbur.
Anyway, a colleague at another university has been posting about the swine flu, and wondering about the impact of large-scale farming on the spread of animal-to-human diseases. He posted this video on his blog today:
I try not to be one of those bloggers, posting every YouTube thing out there. But this is pretty much horrible. Next time I feel like being a bad vegetarian and having just a little bite of bacon, I'll try to remember this. And think of Wilbur.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Beekeeping and Such
Addie and I were on the way home from ballet today when I needed to pull over and get gas. She wanted to get out with me and see how the pump and stuff worked, and I let her (relax, now, I gave all of the requisite stern warnings and such). She asked about the changing numbers on the pump, and I told her one tells us how much money we have to pay and the other how many gallons of gas go in the car.
Back on the road, I thought I'd be all smarty-pants-Mom and ask her about what other things in our life cost money. Not that that's been on my mind or anything. Addie came up with toys, trees, and oh yeah food. I said, that's right. And we also pay for our house we live in, and for your school, and all of our clothes, and stuff like that. But we're going to be having a little less money for a while since Daddy is leaving his job.
I said all this in a chipper way, like not trying to lay some anxiety trip on her. Not sure that worked. But for what it's worth.
She thought for a moment and then said, But what will Daddy do for his job now?
I don't know, I said. He's thinking about...
BEEKEEPING, BEEKEEPING, BEEKEEPING! She shrieked from the back seat. I LOVE HONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Right. Beekeeping.
Actually, it's not that much further out than some of our other ideas. Selling our skunky homemade beer. Inventing digital signs for cars, so that drivers can tell you how they're feeling from inside their automobiles, like on Facebook. "Get out of my way, a-hole!" the digital sign would read. Or, "Honk if you're not wearing pants!" Being in a band, but not a band that travels or wants to gig very often or very late at night. Opening the third biggest brewery in Golden.
That sort of thing. I mean, beekeeping seems quite reasonable. When you think about it.
Back on the road, I thought I'd be all smarty-pants-Mom and ask her about what other things in our life cost money. Not that that's been on my mind or anything. Addie came up with toys, trees, and oh yeah food. I said, that's right. And we also pay for our house we live in, and for your school, and all of our clothes, and stuff like that. But we're going to be having a little less money for a while since Daddy is leaving his job.
I said all this in a chipper way, like not trying to lay some anxiety trip on her. Not sure that worked. But for what it's worth.
She thought for a moment and then said, But what will Daddy do for his job now?
I don't know, I said. He's thinking about...
BEEKEEPING, BEEKEEPING, BEEKEEPING! She shrieked from the back seat. I LOVE HONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Right. Beekeeping.
Actually, it's not that much further out than some of our other ideas. Selling our skunky homemade beer. Inventing digital signs for cars, so that drivers can tell you how they're feeling from inside their automobiles, like on Facebook. "Get out of my way, a-hole!" the digital sign would read. Or, "Honk if you're not wearing pants!" Being in a band, but not a band that travels or wants to gig very often or very late at night. Opening the third biggest brewery in Golden.
That sort of thing. I mean, beekeeping seems quite reasonable. When you think about it.
Some Very, Very Important Updates
Hooray for NOLIE! That little monkey slept through the night last night in her UNDERWEAR with no accidents.
Could it be that, at last, we are approaching the end of Diaper Road? Could it be that this train is pulling out of Pull-Up City? Lord, I dare not think it. But I must! Rejoice! Rejoice!
***
Not that you were up late at night worrying about it, but my neck is indeed better. I go in for the tune up Thursday with Dr. Magic Hands. Thanks to all of you for the great descriptions of Osteopathy. But I still think it's magic.
Also, I don't think I wrote about it, but I was having some really painful blood clots in my arm from having a stupid i.v. during the random uterine infection a few weeks back. Those are also going away.
I'm giddy with health.
***
And, we have been receiving some mysterious and unexpected sums of money lately. Nothing huge, but little chunks of change here and there. I was meditating last night and felt this huge opening in my heart, and into my head came thoughts of being in the flow. There it was. I felt totally connected.
Maybe it's the juggling.
Could it be that, at last, we are approaching the end of Diaper Road? Could it be that this train is pulling out of Pull-Up City? Lord, I dare not think it. But I must! Rejoice! Rejoice!
***
Not that you were up late at night worrying about it, but my neck is indeed better. I go in for the tune up Thursday with Dr. Magic Hands. Thanks to all of you for the great descriptions of Osteopathy. But I still think it's magic.
Also, I don't think I wrote about it, but I was having some really painful blood clots in my arm from having a stupid i.v. during the random uterine infection a few weeks back. Those are also going away.
I'm giddy with health.
***
And, we have been receiving some mysterious and unexpected sums of money lately. Nothing huge, but little chunks of change here and there. I was meditating last night and felt this huge opening in my heart, and into my head came thoughts of being in the flow. There it was. I felt totally connected.
Maybe it's the juggling.
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