Weighty Waiting

I am insufferable right now.  InSUFFERable.  And I know it.  You poor things, all six of you readers, all of a sudden reading a flurry of posts right now because now, the last few days, I have entered a manic crafting-writing-creating phase.  I've made a new skirt, a shirt, crocheted a bowl (from pillow case scraps), made a dragonfly necklace, and some other crap I've probably forgotten about.  All from stuff in my overflowing craft closet.  And then I redesigned the blog and am posting and have actually been on Facebook recently and drawing with Addie and that stuff. 

I love all this, I do, and I get a lot of pleasure from it.  But I'm a little, no A LOT, obsessed with it right now, I can feel it (I felt this way in December, too, at the end of the last semester).

It's not that I'm entering a period of not knowing what to do with myself.  I have plenty to do this summer (and please don't ask me what I do with my "summers off" the way everyone else does.  Puh-lease).  My dance-card is fuh-uh-uh-ull.  Same with fall.

I don't think it's our current state of economic uncertainty ("our" meaning our family).  Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I feel okay about that.

It's that I feel like I'm waiting for something.  For an important email.  Magically appearing money.  High honors.  I'm clicking send/receive on my email button every five minutes.  Racing to the mailbox.  Checking my phone.  I'm up for that teaching award--which has a nice cash prize--today.  It's freaking me out (the mental machinations of THAT are for another post).  But I don't know.  It's a weird sort of anxiety, and not even laying down on my office floor and breathing big breaths is making it go away.  Maybe I need to just go into it or something.

My meditations lately have been centered around the themes "pride," "humility," and "shame." 

You make the connections.  I can't bear to.